if you want to...

i remember thinking its bullshit to wait for a guy to fall in love with you and sweep you off your feet because he's only going to break your heart. i still hope i'm wrong about that one. my big book of rememberances. i remember going to the park by my house and bringing my cabbage patch doll and paint fell off the picnic table and landed on her but it was okay because she wasnt my favorite. i remember moving to bc after my parents said it would never happen and crying my eyes out and missing the last few years of my grandmas life and why didnt i talk to her more and why didnt i write her more she wouldve loved to hear from me. she was so proud when i graduated high school. i remember she loved us with everything she had. grandma youre cool. i remember getting a new bike with my dad and the one i was supposed to get was red and plain and ugly with a white banana seat and the one i got was cool and red like bmx style and had padding on the handle bars like all the boys bikes and i loved it. i remember getting a math award in grade 2 i got a book i think it was thumbelina and then failing math every year after gr 8. i remember stepping on a bee after doing a cartwheel and it stung me that was my first bee sting and it hurt. i remember when my dad bought a cd player and the first cds i had were bon jovi slippery when wet and bruce springsteen born in the usa. i remember watching earnest goes to camp at uncle eddies and eating pizza while everyone else ate chinese because i hated chinese. i remember getting a cell phone and thinking it was a great idea and now being chained to it because nobody ever calls and text messaging has given me nothing but grief. Grief. i remember the swiss kid and how it ended and how i hate endings but its all about the ending. how endings haunt me and why cant they ever be good and my cell phone has no messages. but i still keep checking it. i hate endings they are my least favorite. i remember riding my bike and playing with friends and having sleepovers and looking forward to being a teenager and thinking 20 was old and that i'd be married at 22 and things were so uncomplicated and so very complicated at the same time. i remember fighting with heidi and sarah and making up and playing favorites and threes a crowd even when your 10. i remember wanting to be loved. right now.back then. in the future. i remember a buddist quote if we look too backward or too forward we will only get lost. i remember tending to live in the past and relive every single moment especially the ones that hurt the most over and over until its hard to breathe and i have to remind myself to inhale. i opened my blinds today. its a start.