ways and means

i dont care what anyone says i'm sticking with the trebuchet. arial is so last season. ahh yes, another halloween, another weekend, another daylights savings time all gone by. maybe next year i will get it into my head that it isnt neccessary to be friends with all my old boyfriends. because lets face it, sometimes they just creep me out. but yet, i found myself at one of their houses saturday night after the bar. (hootie and i went as pirates for halloween. so awesome) ninety percent of the time when i hang out with this person, i wish i was somewhere else but yet i still find myself in the prediciment that i was in saturday night. the minute i got there i knew it was a bad idea. scratch that, i knew before that. needless to say it ended in me walking out shaking my head while getting yelled at with the door locked behind me. typical behavior but yet here i still am trying to make a friendship out of a bad relationship that never worked in the first place. bahhh. i have the hardest time letting go of guys in my life that i have dated, but no problem at all ending relationships with friends who i feel have done me wrong. which is funny, because the guys i've dated treat me far worse than anyone else, but i stick around for as long as it takes for them to break up with me. and then once i am just finally sane again i open that door and let them back in because for some reason i feel i have something to prove. dont know if its to them or to myself, but it usually ends up messy again with the lines all blurry and even though i know i dont want to date them i know i dont want to not talk to them and go to outrageous efforts to include them in my life when most of the time they couldnt care less. dont get me wrong, i dont really give it too much thought other than it pisses me off. while writing this post, i am also msn-ing one of them.

fuck.

friday night. stayed home and watched the entire first season of laguna beach. i remembered to change the font to trebuchet. for god sakes somebody get me a life. please.

help

i think i might stick with trebuchet for awhile. see how things pan out. i think we work well together. so here it is, i think its thursday? or wednesday. day 27 or so without a job. slowly losing my mind. my mom and i went grocery shopping last night and i have never so looked forward to anything in my whole life as i will take any opportunity to get out of my house right now. i did get a box of reese peanut butter rot your teeth cereal and i cant wait to eat it. sugar cereal is my weakness. well, along with fast women and cheap booze. then, i am driving out to the ghetto to meet hootie pootie for lunch. after that, i am totally free. so if anyone wants to hang out with me ohmygod iamsopathetic

how to be dead

please don't go crazy, if i tell you the truth,
no you don't know what happened
and you never will if
you don't listen to me while i talk to the wall
this blanket is freezing, its been out in the hall
where you've had me for hours
til i'm sure what i want
but i want the same thing that i wanted before
so sweetheart tell me whats up i won't stop no way

please keep your hands down
and stop raising your voice
it's hardly what i'd be doing if you gave me a choice
it's a simple suggestion can you give me some time
so just say yes or no
why can't you shoulder the blame
cause both my shoulders are heavy
from the weight of us both
you're a big boy now so lets not talk about growth
you've not heard a single word i have said...
oh, my god

please take it easy it can't all be my fault
i haven't made half the mistakes
that you've listed so far
oh baby let me explain something
it's all down to drugs
at least i remember taking them and not a lot else
it seems i've stepped over lines
you've drawn again and again
but if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
dr. jekall is wrestling hyde for my pride

trebuchet is where its at

i am blogging in a new font today to signify the return of one of my favorite people, and announce the arrival of another one. thats correct. hootie pootie blogged, and it may have been only cause i made her, but then i only blog because gareth sends me hate mail. so have a gander, it was a joint effort that resulted in us finding out how only we think we're funny. and who is this new blogger you ask? the funniest guy i have ever met, and i'm not trying to put pressure on him, but it is the truth. i also made him do this, just cause i need a laugh every now and again, and i know he will provide. so go check him out because, well have i ever led you astray before?? www.notjoecheese.blogspot.com and tell him how cool he is. as for me, well........

hootie pootie blogged. well, actually, we blogged together

a while ago me and hootie pootie had a best friend who moved to australia and got married. from time to time we received those internet survey things that are like 'get to know me' type crap. so we filled it out. hootie pootie and shipkicker style. we even made up a few questions of our own at the end. for some reason, i saved it in my email. so i am sharing it with all you beautiful readers tonight. enjoy. you may not get it or think its funny, but we dont care what you think. yes we do. and you are all tagged. whatever the hell that means.

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? white with blood stains
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? the anarchist cookbook
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? white with blood stains
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? driving around in the middle of the night with my headlights off driving dangerously close to the cars in front of me...oh wait you said board game oh i don't play those
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? guns 'n' gold weekly, chicks with dicks quarterly
6. FAVORITE SMELL? bad breath
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? cool water colone for men and the smell of rain hitting the pavement on a hot day
8. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING? who is this naked chick beside me and where can I ditch her body
9. FAVORITE COLOR? white with blood stains
10. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? the colour of rain hitting the pavement on a hot day
11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? noboby ever phones :(
12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Ramses, Duncan Bojangles and if its a girl, Q .
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE? filling out email surveys that our friends send us with a heading that says the questions are different and be serious. The questions aren't different
14. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Is this a racial question? I have a colour tv
15. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? see question 4
16. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? does a stuffed manimal count? Or is that a different question?
17. STORMS-COOL OR Scary? I don't get it who thinks up this lame shit
18. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? a red four door ford tempo I think it was an 89
19. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO
WOULD IT BE? Clayton
20. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? fuckin' moonshine
21. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & BIRTHDAY? Monkey gung hai fat choy
22. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? no I save them in a tupperware container for my house that I am making out of the stems of broccoli. there is a room for you there. Send me your stems. Or else.
23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE? A blow job. Or is that a different question? Can you be more specific?
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR WHAT WOULD IT BE? I don't know if I should say these questions are getting a little intrusive
25. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF-EMPTY? its fuckin' empty cause I shot gunned it
26. FAVORITE MOVIES – Hairy Squatter
27. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS - no i type with the wrong keys and thats why you can read this email
28. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? dead hooker but shhhhhh send me your stems. DO IT
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 69 all the time hot diggity
30. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? boogyman and email surveys
31 something about WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: we miss her and love her and she sleeps with her mouth open oh not that kind of something?
32. PERSON(S) MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? no one cause I'm not sending it to anyone because I like my friends too much
33. PERSON(S) YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO
RESPOND? Sarah, Brad pitt but he won't return my calls either
34. FAVORITE CD? 8 purses and a back pack we do a really good acoustic of jenny from the block (formerly bobby vinton trio)
35. FAVORITE TV SHOW? M*A*S*H I love the theme song
36. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? kustard or mustchup
37. HAMBURGERS OR HOT DOGS! a bun with kustard or mustchup
38. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? i like em hard
39. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? I let you know when I've been there
40. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOU COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
Remy shand what the fuck take a message to my love take a message
41. BURGER KING OR MCDONALD – I like to get burger king and eat it at mcdonalds
42. DID YOU FIND THIS HARD TO DO? did you find this hard to do? At times we struggled, but in the end we came through like we always do.
43. Aimee and Tara slaved away for a good 5.8 minutes doing this survey so you'd better send some plane tickets because it's evident after doing this how bored we really are. Okay good times we miss you love aimee and tara the coolest friends you have who else would fill out a survey like this
44. Aimee or Tara is laughing really hard?
46. Aimee just farted?
47._The__windshield wipers on who's car just went?__50._________________________________________________________________

please send money

so i thought i'd better post before gareth gets on a plane and comes over here.
k i just did this telephone interview, which i spent all day agonizing over. and when i say agonizing, i do mean that i felt like i was going to have a heart attack. i prepared for it as much as i could but had to do it before i actually burst into tears, or lost my shit completely. i know that i must've sounded like a complete retard, because at the end i was laughing like a crazy person and they asked me what expropriate ment and i said what the fuck. what does knowing what expropriate means have to do with my abitlity to do a job. fyi i got it wrong, and i now know what it actually means so you dont need to leave the answer in my comments.
i also learned today that i might have anxeity disorder, which if i thought about it long enough, i didnt need a doctor to tell me. but hey, its nice to put a name to a face. so so far 25 is shaping up nicely. but on the bright side, the swiss kid told me about the girl he is trying to make his girlfriend and while i wanted to kind of puke, i was able to give him some friendly tips on how to do this and actually smile about it cause i know he just told me to piss me off.
its raining here, and its been raining for about a month. i would prefer eternal sunshine, but sometimes its cool to curl up on the couch with a blanket while its pouring rain outside and watch the bbc production of the lion the witch and the wardrobe from the mid 80's while all your friends are in bed cause they have to work in the morning and you get to sleep in and think how you need a job yourself because you havent paid your cell phone bill in a really long time. oh wait. not that last part.

go shorty it's your birthday

fresh off hootie pooties camera, these are my happy birthday pictures whhoooaaa i cant believe she ate the whole thing....













that huge bag behind hootie pootie is what my present came in. she came thru once again... oh yes, you will be mine.


don't stop get it get it














me and jennae at the bar 2 nights before my bday for the kickoff of birthday extravaganza '05.
i am already well into my 3rd double vodka redbull
by the time this was taken. can you feel a little love.

not sure why we needed this one but how creepy do my eyes look..... the pizza was damn good too.

so there you have it... for those of you who couldnt be there in person, i bet it almost feels like you were now. and the cake i saved for you all, um, well, you took too long.

dont give away the end

i wish i wasnt so weak. i wish i let things go when it was time to let them go. i wish i knew who i was or at least who i wanted to be. i wish i could stop talking myself out of doing things and just do them. i wish i didnt hate love. i wish i didnt want someone to find me, save me, i wish i would just save myself. i wish i didnt depend on everyone to do everything for me. i wish i wasnt so negative all the time, but its who i am and i wish it wasnt this way. i wish i would try harder to accomplish things and i wish i knew what those things were. i wish that i hadnt let 5 years go by without doing anything to make change. i wish i hadnt let 2 years go by being sad about a boy. i wish i never let them break my heart. i wish i left them before they could leave me. i wish i didnt always seem to make the wrong choices, but never learn from them. i wish i could move away from the things that haunt me. i wish i never got upset all those times. i wish i wasnt resentful to people who try to help me. i wish i didnt take other peoples problems on and i wish i didnt make them take my problems on. i wish my dad didnt tell me i broke his heart when i was 15. i wish i could take those years back so my parents wouldnt have been sad and disapointed in me. i wish i wasnt disapointed in me. i wish i could let my mom hug me without feeling uncomfortable. i wish i could tell people how much i love them. i wish someone would let me in. i wish i would let someone in. i wish it didnt take me twice as long to do things as everyone else. i wish that my grandma never died. i wish that i left when he called me fat and said my dad was going to die. i wish i didnt try to make things something they are not. i wish i didnt fall so hard, so fast, and push it away. i wish i wasnt so lazy. i wish i didnt have such a short fuse. i wish i was more responsible. i wish i wasnt so scared. i wish i didnt focus on the negative. i wish i didnt live in my regrets. i wish i knew where to go from here. i wish i knew what to do next. i wish i knew how to make it better.

but we dont go for the scenery do we. not that kind anyway.

ok so i thought i'd take a scroll thru the other blogs, you know, make use of the next blog button. i got thru about 6 before i realized that people are crazy. not that i am the great blog master or something, because i am clearly not, but seriously. try it. you will see what i mean. well, the first one was in spanish, so to be fair, it could have been cool.
oh but in other news, me and hootie pootie (who i know has been reneging on her blogging duties for quite some time, dont worry, i'm on it) are making that magical journey up the mountain side to whistler again. oooh i just saw that written down and got so excited. if you have never been to whistler in your life, make sure you put it on your list of things to do before you get married. (you thought i was gonna say die. i was. i equate the two.) now i dont want to spoil anything yet, but i have a feeling this could result in some serious, quality blogging material. and what the hell, i'll throw in a couple scenery shots of the whisler for those of you people who are into scenery shots, which, judging by the amount on peoples blogs these days, is about 2 of you.



ok, so the first 3 are at the top of the glacier last summer (for those who cant do math, '04)
and the last one was this past august, in the village, and yes, that is tape on my back. and those are my cousins. and i'm pretending to be a tour guide. how clever.

oh what a glorious day

yah thats right. its my birthday. all mine. the whole day. well, mine and tommy lee's, and gwen steffani's, and ashlee simpson's, but mostly just mine. as you may have already read, you will know that the festivities kicked off this weekend with a little two steppin' at the local country bar, which resulted in a lot of aclcohol comsumed in a short period of time. so, like every other weekend. then, this saturday, myself and my faithful companion, hootie pootie, will be making that trek up the mountain side for another night of debachery courtesy of whistler. but today, no today is special. because 25 years ago today, it was all love baby, it was all love. it has been a crazy 25 years, and i cant believe i actually made it. thanks to those who have made the years bearable, who have been there with me thru all the times i got drunk, made out with boys, hopped fences to go swimming at midnight, gone on road trips, been there when yet another boy broke my heart, been there when yet the same boy broke my heart, stole my sisters car (and dads for that matter) but couldnt drive it, smuggled beer from terry's cooler, got in fights with parents and needed somewhere to run away to, partied with me, cried with me, watched amazing race, oc, paradise hotel and the apprentice with me, just being there for me and never judging me when i do something stupid (which is more often then i'd like to admit).... and sharing my birthdays with me year after year as i make such a big production out of it and just letting me be exicted and never telling me to fuck off (even if youre thinking it) i love you guys and heres to being 25 with many more to come.....

never so alone.whats in the dyer it just went off.

thought it would be funny to write a blog wasted. ha ha. cant see straight. drunk again. ex boyfriend called me a cunt. other one didnt show up when he said he would. its my bday in a day. and brown slammed my fingers in the door. not on purpose. on monday its my birthday and i dont have a job now. 25. no prospects. whistler. swiss kid wished me happy birthday but its not til monday. he doesnt even know. what now. does anyone really give a shit what happens to me. it was fun. even married guy never showed. i hit back space like 45 times. ryan brought train tracks. my first day without a job is on monday , my birthday. 25. no prospects. no one gives a shit. didnt pay for a single double vodka redbull.. had at least 6. and some shots. he called me a cunt. i invited him. what. am. i . doing. with. my. life. wasted. in the morning i will delete. so read it now. my fingers heart. my heart hurts. its not funny any more. but it is. help me. i know i am not useless. at least i a m stylish and hav e cool accesorries this is what happens when i dont backspacie. yah thats right. i am fuckin not awesome. i am a cunt. i no i a= see. no backspace. accersories. yah, stupid. i know. i.must.have.something.to.offer.someone.i am a good person? someone. must.love. me. someday. right? wasted again. bob threw out my hotdog.